I am going to be the biggest loser and write a 10 people, because although they're immature - I know this is how you got to know me. However long ago and forgotten that time was; when once you really just wanted to know me.
Considering I feel like I don't know myself very well anymore - here's a set just foh me :)
It flooded in Penrith last night. Penrith is such a weird place. Today a man came up to me while I was moping and confidently asked "do you know I found something exceptionally beautiful today?" And I just stared at him, scowling so he would fuck off. And then he whipped out a mirror, and said "do you wanna see?" And like... I was freaked the fuck out at my sour reflection so I left. But he called out at me, laughing "God bless you so you smile!" - And then I saw him do the same thing to a whole bunch of women - grandmas, pregnant ladies and shit. They all glowed back at him and he looked so proud of himself.
I gave him shit and didn't even respond. What, since when. He wasn't even scary I was just being a bitch.
I call this drifting oblivion 'happiness', because it's far from 'sad' but I really think it's closer to the realm of the 'lost'.
And that's why Coldplay always gets my vibe right. Whether this is a bad realm or a good one - I can't tell. But I got a letter this morning that made my eyes water and my heart tighten in the best ways possible. It is a small world and you my darling are the light in mine.
So yeah here goes my brain & wait for it, I feel explosive.
1. I'm so scared of disappointing you. I'm so scared it makes me crazy sometimes - I do things I shouldn't, I take unnecessary precautions. That's my biggest problem, I feel like everything I do for you isn't good enough. And on those rare days you're happy with me, I always end up embarrassing myself or being completely stupid because for once I'm so excited you feel that way. But it pleases me that you know what you want, and what you want is for me to do what I want. And that last sentence was redundant because only I know who this one is about. Only me. And yeah those last two words gave it away - everyone reading knows now. How embarrassing.
2. You do this little smirk all the time that I absolutely love in an unromantic way. I just look at your smirk and wonder where the voice behind it went. A lot of the time I feel like I'm imagining the smirk but it's okay because it's a nice thing to imagine.
3. I wonder what it would have been like if we stayed so close. I sometimes talk to you and feel like I gave up something really awesome when I let those ties loosen those few years ago. I really did tell you everything and you really did make me laugh harder than anyone ever did. But we became such different people I know that's never going to be an option now. I do remember the first time I felt someone embrace me in my entirety and it was you. It was glorious.
4. For some reason I feel like I will know you my entire lifetime. Do you remember 3 years ago you wrote that fucking beautiful '10 people' on word that you only let me and wsb read? I deleted it because it was so true and full of love I thought it would ruin it if I let it lie on my computer to be forgotten. What ever happened to a few of the people on that? I'm curious. You're a lot stronger than me but if I know you well I'm sure you think about them sometimes too. Talk soon, I know we don't have time right now but we'll have all the time in the world eventually.
5. I'm sorry I took out all my pent-up affection and idealism on you. You took it pretty well though - thank you, haha. I guess bad timing is bad, yet It's not going to stop me from admiring a lot of the things you do. This is a small place with little valuable inspiration... yet you give me some, and although that's fucking cheese balls I can't deny it. And I can't deny you know me well enough to know my loyalty is a hard motherfucker to kill so live with it. I want to watch you succeed just as much as you do. Just let me be there and I will be happy. I know no one our age really think these things through so seriously and shit, but I only really feel happy with myself when you respect me. Plus your laugh is pretty fucking infectious and I don't want to lose that either. Oh and soz for the apology. Oh wait - dammmmmnitttttt
6. Dayum girl, you're beautiful. And yeah let's go USA one day and pick us up some NBA players LOL. I dibs the tallest one.
Okay kind of over it now sigh. Had a good sneaky smile to myself as I wrote that though - realising how you truly feel is such a pleasing experience.
I'm sure that wall of text is a bitch to get through already anyways.
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