Okay, I really should be studying right now. I SHOULD be doing a lot of things. I should be thinking positive thoughts. I should be buddha breathing. I should be chanting self-love mantras. I should be eating chocolate. I should be giving my dog a hug. I should be calling a friend. But right now, all of those options sound futile. All I want to do is cry. Yes, as dramatic as it sounds, I am mid-panic attack typing this out because it's the only thing I can think of at this very moment in the library to do.
I wish this wasn't the only subject matter I wrote about on here. I wish I didn't feel like it defined me - and on good days, I know it doesn't. I often resent it because I feel like I let it become an "excuse" for my general ineptitudes and weaknesses... and right now that's how it feels (hence the need to cry). I'm actually not sure whether I am actually experiencing a problem, or whether I am the problem - and that's not a fun thing to contemplate at all.
I'm trying to channel my thoughts toward productivity; toward this goal I'm so grateful to be on the path toward. I want to say "you go girl, you can do it", but all I can muster is "you keep on going girl, because if you don't you will be a failure". Not as uplifting, really.
I hide behind externalised strength a lot. I hide behind holistic well-roundedness, sociability and kindness. I like to think my attempts at kindness aren't just to run away from crippling self-doubt, but who knows? Who knows what I'd do if I weren't so scared?
2 Xans down, I thought I was tougher - and I know that tomorrow I might wake up and feel that resilience. But right now it's out of my reach and it's hurting me to try.
I just want to not worry.
I want to just take a little break from my own mind, just now - right now.
Is that too much to ask?
