Honesty is something that's coming far too easily to me these days. Sometimes, I bite my tongue because I realise I've completely overshared - or been too honest - but those moments of restraint never really last all that long. I'm unashamedly young, reckless and unfathomably insecure. I'm going to own it on here though, since it's one of the few domains where I feel like I actually can.
Today's ramblepost is on relationships. Yes. I went there, as I always do on this blog. But it's actually been a really long time since I last posted about it on here without sounding like an absolutely not-okay heartbroken, faux-happy asshole, so today I'm posting with a new kind of genuine clarity that I was really hoping to share. It all surrounds the concept of fleeting moments (I know what you're thinking, oh is she going to recap the plot of Serendipity? I'm right, thanks) but seriously. It's such a thing. And I want to rejoice in it.
Hook-up culture is also a thing. It's another one of those things I'm undeniably a participant in. I can't lie about that. For some reason I have no self control when it comes to things I really want. A lot of the time that's people of the opposite gender. I can't help that, and if you can't either - here's my endorsement: don't help it. Go with it. Get unreasonably caught up in an immature fantasy of what could-be before it even-is. Get your ego sucker punched. It's worth it for the fleeting moments (well at 19 years old it is, at least). As the author fuelled by my cliched heart urges me to write: people, play with fire.
Okay. That could have been Vance Joy playing in the background, but it still stands. No matter how many faces have passed through my inbox, pressed against my forehead, or the handful of those whom I've drunkenly planned my entire life with in the last 12 months. Our things may not be things anymore, that's okay. I am still myself, and each one of those souls gave me a little bit of themselves that I really do value. The important part I want to note is that I have not lost a single inch of my dignity. I've probably gained some, to be completely honest.
I'm going to sound ragey feminist for a second (thank you for that label, haha), but what is ridiculously clear to me now is my own satisfaction. Experience, and yes, I do mean in the field you're thinking of is so important to me in determining what I want - no, deserve - in a relationship for the rest of my life. I'm not saying it has to be important to everyone. Go ahead, abstain, you have a satisfaction of your own in doing so. But seriously, what were we all afraid of? Social constructs? Sex in the City still hasn't left a big enough mark on our generation, I think. The capacity for someone to make me feel special, beautiful and equal is so important. You don't know you can feel this way with just anyone. Some people don't have that capacity, even when you're "with them", "legitemately". Yet, when you have that moment of mutual respect, even with an almost-stranger, it's surreal. Fleeting, but wonderful all the same.
In reality, you get hurt. You start to feel things for people who don't feel the same way (and vice versa). But that's ok. Your fleeting moment wasn't meant to be prolonged. I have a feeling that one day when that's supposed to happen, it just will. Let's be frank, dating in 2014 isn't as simple as dinner and a movie and the 3-month rule.
My future partner won't care that I, myself, am a collection of the souls that have helped me be where I am. On the same note, I won't care that he once was a fleeting moment in a collection of girls' pasts too. It's just how it is, and just how it probably will be.
But right now I love fleeting moments. Oh good lord, I love them.
Tuesday, 16 December 2014
Sunday, 19 October 2014
State of Grace
I am attempting to join the voices of my young, empowered generation and confessing to you all something very important to me. To a lot of you, this is not going to be news. To a few of you, I'm going to sound like I've always feared I would: you will read this, and only see an attention-seeking young female, with next-to nothing wrong in her life who wants everyone to feel sorry for her. 'The privileged victim'. I'm not a victim though, and what's coming up next will show you why (I hope).
Here goes, an honest, unable-to-be-taken-back update on my brain - including all of its anxious depths.
To begin with, I did not previously use the word anxious lightly. It was there on purpose, and even as I type it's burning a bold, blaring mark into the top right corner of my peripheral vision. It's done. I've said it, and I'm not taking it back. My name is Amelia, and not long ago I graduated from the best selective school in NSW. Whilst I don't regret that experience in any way, I am writing here now the most honest truths I have (and probably will ever know): I am a functioning, thriving, soul-searching, horribly cliched, often misguided, yet ferociously dedicated University student. I am all of this, and I am also anxious.
I don't remember exactly when it started, and with many of these things - I don't think anyone ever does. I do remember, however, suddenly being so aware of everyone around me. It's like those days you don't really want to look at anyone because you've got a huge pimple on your face. Ahhh, those days. I got those a lot, and still do. But you know what I've recently learnt pretty cool about those days? Metaphorically, of course. You ever notice on those days, that if someone else happens to have the same ridiculously-embarrassing pimple, you sometimes find this wonderful moment (in the bathroom, or whatever) when you acknowledge each other, and it's really kind of this powerful moment of togetherness? Your eyes giggle and go "same?";"yeah, same"
Well. that's how I feel about mental illness. I'm hoping to not get heaps of backlash regarding my lighthearted likening of mental health to pimples (lol), but bear with me here people. I don't feel like you should feel sorry for me. Sure, some days, it's shitty - duh, it's a mental illness for a reason (you would have seen quite a few of my shitty days on this blog if you've read it over the last few years, actually, haha) - but I am honestly pretty astonished by the doors it's opened up for me.
Despite the doors that have been shut, and trust me - regardless of any level of gratitude I hold, there is always going to exist doors that have been closed because of my current predicament (and this particular post is not a place to dwell on said doors) - every day being anxious, I learn more about being human than I could have ever imagined.
Again, I'm going to have to honestly say that every day I learn because every day I am forced to learn. I'm forced to keep reminding myself that today is today and not tomorrow. Every hour I notice one new great thing about now. Not the next one. Now. Every day takes a new lesson. But lately, every lesson has slowly (but steadily) been learnt.
In the same way, I've learnt a lot more about friendship. Sure, you definitely don't have to have a mental illness to know true friendship. But for what it's worth, having a mental illness sure makes true friendship known to you. I've had people help me without knowing they even were, and I hold every one of those moments very closely to me. Yet, there are those few people over the last few years that I've let in completely, and those of whom without I would not just be confessing right now as anxious-Amelia, I'd be baring a completely lost 2012 era depressive-anxious-Amelia, and I may not have ever gained enough courage to voice these words today.
I know depressed people. I've known suicidal people. I've known pretty intense hurt and stress. But I do know that these things pass, and so does the fear.
The world is so very beautiful, and nothing will ever stop it from being so - even your mind.
Stop. Take a breath. Talk to someone.
It gets better. Trust me.
Here goes, an honest, unable-to-be-taken-back update on my brain - including all of its anxious depths.
To begin with, I did not previously use the word anxious lightly. It was there on purpose, and even as I type it's burning a bold, blaring mark into the top right corner of my peripheral vision. It's done. I've said it, and I'm not taking it back. My name is Amelia, and not long ago I graduated from the best selective school in NSW. Whilst I don't regret that experience in any way, I am writing here now the most honest truths I have (and probably will ever know): I am a functioning, thriving, soul-searching, horribly cliched, often misguided, yet ferociously dedicated University student. I am all of this, and I am also anxious.
I don't remember exactly when it started, and with many of these things - I don't think anyone ever does. I do remember, however, suddenly being so aware of everyone around me. It's like those days you don't really want to look at anyone because you've got a huge pimple on your face. Ahhh, those days. I got those a lot, and still do. But you know what I've recently learnt pretty cool about those days? Metaphorically, of course. You ever notice on those days, that if someone else happens to have the same ridiculously-embarrassing pimple, you sometimes find this wonderful moment (in the bathroom, or whatever) when you acknowledge each other, and it's really kind of this powerful moment of togetherness? Your eyes giggle and go "same?";"yeah, same"
Well. that's how I feel about mental illness. I'm hoping to not get heaps of backlash regarding my lighthearted likening of mental health to pimples (lol), but bear with me here people. I don't feel like you should feel sorry for me. Sure, some days, it's shitty - duh, it's a mental illness for a reason (you would have seen quite a few of my shitty days on this blog if you've read it over the last few years, actually, haha) - but I am honestly pretty astonished by the doors it's opened up for me.
Despite the doors that have been shut, and trust me - regardless of any level of gratitude I hold, there is always going to exist doors that have been closed because of my current predicament (and this particular post is not a place to dwell on said doors) - every day being anxious, I learn more about being human than I could have ever imagined.
Again, I'm going to have to honestly say that every day I learn because every day I am forced to learn. I'm forced to keep reminding myself that today is today and not tomorrow. Every hour I notice one new great thing about now. Not the next one. Now. Every day takes a new lesson. But lately, every lesson has slowly (but steadily) been learnt.
In the same way, I've learnt a lot more about friendship. Sure, you definitely don't have to have a mental illness to know true friendship. But for what it's worth, having a mental illness sure makes true friendship known to you. I've had people help me without knowing they even were, and I hold every one of those moments very closely to me. Yet, there are those few people over the last few years that I've let in completely, and those of whom without I would not just be confessing right now as anxious-Amelia, I'd be baring a completely lost 2012 era depressive-anxious-Amelia, and I may not have ever gained enough courage to voice these words today.
I know depressed people. I've known suicidal people. I've known pretty intense hurt and stress. But I do know that these things pass, and so does the fear.
The world is so very beautiful, and nothing will ever stop it from being so - even your mind.
Stop. Take a breath. Talk to someone.
It gets better. Trust me.
Wednesday, 3 September 2014
Hey Miss Sobriety
Tonight I'm writing a letter to all the single ladies, in general -
I will never let go of who I am to give a man what he wants. I'm not talking about anything sexual either, this is different from that - although I have billions of thoughts on that too. But first, I'll talk relationships. People tell me; "you've got to show them you're strong", "seriously girl. you've got to play the game" - show them that I'm... what? A sheep? A dishonest, feeble version of myself? No, being 'strong' to me is standing the fuck up for what I feel, and often that's just a 19 year old lost girl legitimately in need of some affection and honesty. I've been told that it automatically shows weakness if you reveal to someone that you're overwhelmingly excited to share something mundane with them, yet it can't be such a problem to want to share that with someone - right? Screw modesty, we should be able to get all up in peoples faces if we want to. Tell them that you want to fucking hold their hand, of-course-you-fucking-do. Don't let people let you believe that you'll fuck it up for doing it the way you want to. Listen here boys, If you do not want to chase me, simply because "I'm just there": I don't need you in my life. It's that simple. I called your kind 'Boys' for a reason. Don't waste your time on people who make you question your soul. That's all I've got for tonight, just wanted to share it.
Over & out,
Mielz x
p.s. and also to males: we're not just "doing whatever" when we hang out. That sucks, get better at planning (all of you, Men included).
I will never let go of who I am to give a man what he wants. I'm not talking about anything sexual either, this is different from that - although I have billions of thoughts on that too. But first, I'll talk relationships. People tell me; "you've got to show them you're strong", "seriously girl. you've got to play the game" - show them that I'm... what? A sheep? A dishonest, feeble version of myself? No, being 'strong' to me is standing the fuck up for what I feel, and often that's just a 19 year old lost girl legitimately in need of some affection and honesty. I've been told that it automatically shows weakness if you reveal to someone that you're overwhelmingly excited to share something mundane with them, yet it can't be such a problem to want to share that with someone - right? Screw modesty, we should be able to get all up in peoples faces if we want to. Tell them that you want to fucking hold their hand, of-course-you-fucking-do. Don't let people let you believe that you'll fuck it up for doing it the way you want to. Listen here boys, If you do not want to chase me, simply because "I'm just there": I don't need you in my life. It's that simple. I called your kind 'Boys' for a reason. Don't waste your time on people who make you question your soul. That's all I've got for tonight, just wanted to share it.
Over & out,
Mielz x
p.s. and also to males: we're not just "doing whatever" when we hang out. That sucks, get better at planning (all of you, Men included).
Sunday, 24 August 2014
Saturday, 23 August 2014
Sweet cherry, extraordinary
I asked a boy out yesterday.
I've been doing this really provoking course at uni called introduction to Indigenous Studies, at first - admittedly - I thought I would just be re-learning the politics of racism and minorities in the fancy-pants context of a university classroom... However, in reality, the course has taught me a shit tonne. Not exactly about significant dates, or any concrete history; I probably haven't totally absorbed any of those details yet, since my mind seems to let slip anything that doesn't speak directly to my soul. Mainly, I've learnt about identity - and what it means to have total control of your own.
I believe most privileged peoples take their identity for granted. By that, I'm not simply saying they're taking their upper-middle-class status, or their abruptly-hired Caucasian last name for granted - I'm saying their true privilege lies in the fact that they take being an individual for granted. Being a socially recognised, individual human being. One that speaks, sings, erupts, hurts, and caresses all to the beat of their own drum.
Sorry... lost my train of thought because my drunk best friend just showed up at my doorstep in an unpaid cab with no bag. Wait, let me think lol.
Ok. That's precisely it. Looking at my peaceful best friend, lying next to me - hogging MY blanket - brings up a whole range of thought tangents. I'm going to exemplify her as the "privileged" in this particular context (given, all people are dynamic and can't be grouped like this in reality) - she's blind drunk; passed out. For what reason? Is she a drunkard? Is this behaviour inevitable? Is it in her nature or character? NO. We wouldn't assume these things first. Is she heartbroken? Possibly. A melancholy, troubled intellectual? People could see that. A twenty-something, fun girl who's taken it just a little too far on a Friday night? Ding ding ding! Next question please...
We assume there's a problem. We ask her if she's ok; what's so wrong to make her drink too much - did she have a bad week? Let me pose this question: Do you ask the Aboriginal man on the sidewalk on the way to Redfern station if he's had a rough week? I'm not trying to make you feel overwhelming guilt or confusion, I'm just hoping that we all can reflect. Think about it, it's an invisible prison.
That's actually a quote from one of the readings I'm critiquing atm. These ideas of constructs, subtle superiority complexes and pure ignorance having the power to enclose an entire population of people is astonishing. The fact that the greater population does it without realising is honestly heartbreaking to me.
At one point, I'll admit, I was one of those people that would smile at the ground and walk past. But it's just different now. I'm not ashamed, or guilty... I'm just aware. Hmm. I'm sleepy. I might continue on this topic later, but now it's time for bed.
Sweet dreams everyone
Mielz x
I've been doing this really provoking course at uni called introduction to Indigenous Studies, at first - admittedly - I thought I would just be re-learning the politics of racism and minorities in the fancy-pants context of a university classroom... However, in reality, the course has taught me a shit tonne. Not exactly about significant dates, or any concrete history; I probably haven't totally absorbed any of those details yet, since my mind seems to let slip anything that doesn't speak directly to my soul. Mainly, I've learnt about identity - and what it means to have total control of your own.
I believe most privileged peoples take their identity for granted. By that, I'm not simply saying they're taking their upper-middle-class status, or their abruptly-hired Caucasian last name for granted - I'm saying their true privilege lies in the fact that they take being an individual for granted. Being a socially recognised, individual human being. One that speaks, sings, erupts, hurts, and caresses all to the beat of their own drum.
Sorry... lost my train of thought because my drunk best friend just showed up at my doorstep in an unpaid cab with no bag. Wait, let me think lol.
Ok. That's precisely it. Looking at my peaceful best friend, lying next to me - hogging MY blanket - brings up a whole range of thought tangents. I'm going to exemplify her as the "privileged" in this particular context (given, all people are dynamic and can't be grouped like this in reality) - she's blind drunk; passed out. For what reason? Is she a drunkard? Is this behaviour inevitable? Is it in her nature or character? NO. We wouldn't assume these things first. Is she heartbroken? Possibly. A melancholy, troubled intellectual? People could see that. A twenty-something, fun girl who's taken it just a little too far on a Friday night? Ding ding ding! Next question please...
We assume there's a problem. We ask her if she's ok; what's so wrong to make her drink too much - did she have a bad week? Let me pose this question: Do you ask the Aboriginal man on the sidewalk on the way to Redfern station if he's had a rough week? I'm not trying to make you feel overwhelming guilt or confusion, I'm just hoping that we all can reflect. Think about it, it's an invisible prison.
That's actually a quote from one of the readings I'm critiquing atm. These ideas of constructs, subtle superiority complexes and pure ignorance having the power to enclose an entire population of people is astonishing. The fact that the greater population does it without realising is honestly heartbreaking to me.
At one point, I'll admit, I was one of those people that would smile at the ground and walk past. But it's just different now. I'm not ashamed, or guilty... I'm just aware. Hmm. I'm sleepy. I might continue on this topic later, but now it's time for bed.
Sweet dreams everyone
Mielz x
Tuesday, 10 June 2014
I miss your presence
I always find myself contemplating things as I walk down the road, thinking - haaaay! that's actually so true/cool/notable I should put that somewhere... Most of the time I contemplate putting it on facebook/instagram, but then opt not to cause it's either too risque or sexual or blatantly lame for that kind of public forum (leading to a looot of unecessary judgement). I came on here to finally share these slightly intimate epiphanies with the world, but sadly (as uaual) I've pretty much forgotten all them... Fuck me, seriously I'm so annoyed at myself for that haha zzz.
Thus, I'm gonna start on an inane set of rambles about young adulthood that might eventually - hopefully - lead us to something insightful. Okay? Ok.
Hmm. Euuuuugggghhhhhh. why can't I ramble when I want to?! Maybe I'll do a reflection post. Ooooh, maybe one on how things have changed lately? That might be good, I have an idea, I'll play scrolling roulette with my albums on this computer and find a pic and do a kind of reflection on how I've been since then. Also a reason to most likely post a selfie :P
*scrolling* November, last year:
Hmm, so I actually put this post on hold for a bit, because I wasn't sure what to write on they day I began it - I came back though, even though I don't have some definite course of action tonight, I'm in a super reflective headspace and it would be nice to let some of this ridiculously suffocating energy out onto the interwebs...
I just came across this stupid '0mGtumblrRepo$t' things on facebook, and it read: "If your girlfriend isn't a psycho, then she isn't in love with you." You know what, as stupid as this sounds - that is honestly true. This time last year ^ I was so caught up in comfort, you know? Acting "all together", feeling "all together" = having everything together. I wasn't deranged, or crawling into cupboards; I wasn't even staying up all night talking on the phone. But, that so-called 'completeness'... It wasn't the way it was supposed to feel. I wasn't even blogging on here; I should have figured. And when I was, I was yelling to the world about gratefulness and having everything I need. And while I am still a firm believer in all those things; at this point in time they do not constitute my entirety like they did back then. I'm not saying I did not love last year, I loved a shit load. I just wasn't loving in that particular way I love to love.
I feel like I've become oddly spiritual in the last 6-8 months. Not in a youth-group, sing-songs-about-the-heavens kind of way, more like in a gravitating way. That sounds obscenely douchey, but I didn't know how else to quite describe it. I do pray, sometimes. But often I question what I'm praying to. But for some reason that uncertainty's given me more drive; more hope. I have also learnt a lot more about being independent. For a while, I was calling it "being lonely" - but I feel like I've officially graduated from that term. It's not easy - I'm not going to fucking lie to you. Sometimes I'll just sit in my room with a jar of nutella watching wedding same-day edits just to get my oxytocin/affection fix. Sometimes I'll fall into the arms of men that look at me for just that one second longer than any other man in the room. I'm human. We long for things out of our control.
But I'm less focused on that now. I love life, but not more than it deserves. I don't fake-love it now. I want to be a part of this life, flaws and all. No matter how it ends, and despite any mysterious obstacle that lies in wait for me tomorrow.
Thus, I'm gonna start on an inane set of rambles about young adulthood that might eventually - hopefully - lead us to something insightful. Okay? Ok.
Hmm. Euuuuugggghhhhhh. why can't I ramble when I want to?! Maybe I'll do a reflection post. Ooooh, maybe one on how things have changed lately? That might be good, I have an idea, I'll play scrolling roulette with my albums on this computer and find a pic and do a kind of reflection on how I've been since then. Also a reason to most likely post a selfie :P
*scrolling* November, last year:
Hmm, so I actually put this post on hold for a bit, because I wasn't sure what to write on they day I began it - I came back though, even though I don't have some definite course of action tonight, I'm in a super reflective headspace and it would be nice to let some of this ridiculously suffocating energy out onto the interwebs...
I just came across this stupid '0mGtumblrRepo$t' things on facebook, and it read: "If your girlfriend isn't a psycho, then she isn't in love with you." You know what, as stupid as this sounds - that is honestly true. This time last year ^ I was so caught up in comfort, you know? Acting "all together", feeling "all together" = having everything together. I wasn't deranged, or crawling into cupboards; I wasn't even staying up all night talking on the phone. But, that so-called 'completeness'... It wasn't the way it was supposed to feel. I wasn't even blogging on here; I should have figured. And when I was, I was yelling to the world about gratefulness and having everything I need. And while I am still a firm believer in all those things; at this point in time they do not constitute my entirety like they did back then. I'm not saying I did not love last year, I loved a shit load. I just wasn't loving in that particular way I love to love.
I feel like I've become oddly spiritual in the last 6-8 months. Not in a youth-group, sing-songs-about-the-heavens kind of way, more like in a gravitating way. That sounds obscenely douchey, but I didn't know how else to quite describe it. I do pray, sometimes. But often I question what I'm praying to. But for some reason that uncertainty's given me more drive; more hope. I have also learnt a lot more about being independent. For a while, I was calling it "being lonely" - but I feel like I've officially graduated from that term. It's not easy - I'm not going to fucking lie to you. Sometimes I'll just sit in my room with a jar of nutella watching wedding same-day edits just to get my oxytocin/affection fix. Sometimes I'll fall into the arms of men that look at me for just that one second longer than any other man in the room. I'm human. We long for things out of our control.
But I'm less focused on that now. I love life, but not more than it deserves. I don't fake-love it now. I want to be a part of this life, flaws and all. No matter how it ends, and despite any mysterious obstacle that lies in wait for me tomorrow.
Friday, 23 May 2014
Maybe one day I'll fly next to you
I've been waiting for time to do this - to write something down to represent this time period so that in the future I have some sort of marker of it. Not sure why I need a marker, or that I even have anything of significance to recount though... but I thought I'd been neglecting this blog long enough :)
Waaaah, when's the last time I actually wrote about something with substance? It has to have been at the start of the year when I was having all of my 'freedom' epiphanies... haha /sigh/ but okay... where have we been since then? OH. Okay, I for one have been having a fucking stressful time at uni. I'm assuming though, that's not very original. Hmm let's see - what do I usually talk about on here; boys? family? friends? Okay that's a good start, my mind's ticking a bit now... but where to start? Here goes
Boys - y'all are fucked tbh. Jokes, lol, but honestly some of you are so pretty it makes me rethink what my face must look like... I mean seriously, those men with overachieving cheekbones really make me doubt my femininity. Haha. Oh my gosh though, eye candy everywhere!! I sound like a twelvie, but I'm being a hundred per cent serious when I'm saying that I am so glad I'm old enough to appropriately date men who have beards and some level of political interest. That sounded so fucking yuck, but honestly the thought of a man at my current age who can pick me up with one arm and throw me around the room is a bloody great fantasy. I call them lumberjacks; bearded, yet obviously aesthetically aware beautiful individuals that I just want to get all over. Apart from appearances though? I have a thought: affection buddies. Never thought it was a thing. It is. It's like hormone-crack for love addicted young adults like myself. It's a little like this - "hey, you're young; I'm young. I have had relationships. So, I like cuddles, and dinners, and forehead kisses. But I don't like arguments, or jealousy, or your mum's future disapproval of me. So let's hug. Let's kiss often and go out for icecream. But lets not hang out ALL the time. Let's just see each other when we're lonely. Ok? Because I need someone then, and I know you do too."
Family - I honestly am more in awe of my fam day by day. I have never been more grateful for my biology at any time in my life. I'm so lucky to have had them; I don't know what else to say right now. I am only me because of their love.
Friends - This is seriously probably why I never find myself crying and hopelessly writing on here anymore. Sure, It's not like I'm happy every day or anything - that would be impossible. But with my new friends around; the kind of circle I have in my life right now - there's so much less reason to doubt myself. There's no waking up in the morning and worrying about what kind of person people will want me to be. There's not really much worrying anymore, only those anxieties that come from my own self-doubts, not others. I'm not putting down anyone in my past in any way, or at least I hope I'm not - I'm just praising my present. I feel like I came into uni with my spirit split in a million fragments, each searching everyone I met for some kind of sign of who I was & who I wanted to be - what kind of person I wanted to project... and then I found them, those girls I'm always somewhat annoyingly talking about (sorry, facey friends and insta followers haha). The girls who would never put me down, ever. The ones who know my fear inside and out. The ones I know will stay, and whom I'd do anything for. My soulmates.
I'll write more soon, old me knew what was up. I love doing this.
Till next time,
x
Waaaah, when's the last time I actually wrote about something with substance? It has to have been at the start of the year when I was having all of my 'freedom' epiphanies... haha /sigh/ but okay... where have we been since then? OH. Okay, I for one have been having a fucking stressful time at uni. I'm assuming though, that's not very original. Hmm let's see - what do I usually talk about on here; boys? family? friends? Okay that's a good start, my mind's ticking a bit now... but where to start? Here goes
Boys - y'all are fucked tbh. Jokes, lol, but honestly some of you are so pretty it makes me rethink what my face must look like... I mean seriously, those men with overachieving cheekbones really make me doubt my femininity. Haha. Oh my gosh though, eye candy everywhere!! I sound like a twelvie, but I'm being a hundred per cent serious when I'm saying that I am so glad I'm old enough to appropriately date men who have beards and some level of political interest. That sounded so fucking yuck, but honestly the thought of a man at my current age who can pick me up with one arm and throw me around the room is a bloody great fantasy. I call them lumberjacks; bearded, yet obviously aesthetically aware beautiful individuals that I just want to get all over. Apart from appearances though? I have a thought: affection buddies. Never thought it was a thing. It is. It's like hormone-crack for love addicted young adults like myself. It's a little like this - "hey, you're young; I'm young. I have had relationships. So, I like cuddles, and dinners, and forehead kisses. But I don't like arguments, or jealousy, or your mum's future disapproval of me. So let's hug. Let's kiss often and go out for icecream. But lets not hang out ALL the time. Let's just see each other when we're lonely. Ok? Because I need someone then, and I know you do too."
Family - I honestly am more in awe of my fam day by day. I have never been more grateful for my biology at any time in my life. I'm so lucky to have had them; I don't know what else to say right now. I am only me because of their love.
Friends - This is seriously probably why I never find myself crying and hopelessly writing on here anymore. Sure, It's not like I'm happy every day or anything - that would be impossible. But with my new friends around; the kind of circle I have in my life right now - there's so much less reason to doubt myself. There's no waking up in the morning and worrying about what kind of person people will want me to be. There's not really much worrying anymore, only those anxieties that come from my own self-doubts, not others. I'm not putting down anyone in my past in any way, or at least I hope I'm not - I'm just praising my present. I feel like I came into uni with my spirit split in a million fragments, each searching everyone I met for some kind of sign of who I was & who I wanted to be - what kind of person I wanted to project... and then I found them, those girls I'm always somewhat annoyingly talking about (sorry, facey friends and insta followers haha). The girls who would never put me down, ever. The ones who know my fear inside and out. The ones I know will stay, and whom I'd do anything for. My soulmates.
I'll write more soon, old me knew what was up. I love doing this.
Till next time,
x
Wednesday, 21 May 2014
It's such a heavenly view
Things I like (because I've always found that compiling these lists is so encapsulating and enlightening, maybe I should just turn this blog into a prolonged 'things I like' thread... hmm)
This might be a long one, since I'm feeling like I live under a blanket of mediocrity lately, and I'd really, right now, like to recognise the wonderfulness in this life
- The mannerisms of musicians
- Surprise notes & written conversations in University library books
- Muscles
- People who laugh at the most inappropriate times in lectures
- Dark nail polish
- Couple costumes that look like they took weeks of preparation (and convincing)
- Sauces. Multitudes of sauces that are equally delicious and spicy
- European pillows
- The buskers in the underground Central tunnel
- My dad's often mundane yet politically infused text messages
- Caramello Koalas: this deserves permanent residency on any kind of these lists, ok.
- Riding shotgun in cars with boys, alone; together
- African-American comedies
- Reading about medicine, in all different forms of journalism
- My sister's $4 pasta a.k.a Barilla fettuccine and dolmio sauce
- Pugs and pug related images
- The happy-cracks in Chris Martin's voice and his dorky dance moves
- Buzzfeed lists that are too relevant you... can't even
- The prep for a date; with all the nice-smelling products and the make-up and the casual-but-yes-i-also-casually-want-you-to-vigorously-make-out-with-me outfit formulation. Plus constant texts from m8s who want to know all the goss
- Market vendors who passionately sell their products
- I Fucking Love Science! posts
- Chatty cabbies
- The extremely vivid smell of dinners cooking in each of the terraces on my street when I walk home in the evening
- Watching people smize, unknowingly
- The drop, in a full club, after a long as fuck week
- Old people who refer to people as things like "beautiful" and "amor" naturally, like they've been saying it their whole lives
- The top 100 IMDB list of Romantic Comedies
- The gorgeously adorable features of young children when they are doing something naughty
- Baz Luhrmann films
- Not needing to save massive plans for the weekend because it could be a weekend right now if you really wanted it to be
- Eavesdropping on absurdly rich peoples conversations and secretly mocking them
- Music Festivals. All. of. the. music. festivals.
- Caramel smells. Natural and artificial.
- Free access loyalty coffee benefits at UNI. yes. oh, double yes.
- The incredible malleability of the human face with make-up
- Sixpence None The Richer
- Newtown Bars. Surry Bars. Lots of bars. Did someone say alcohol?
- My best friend's laugh
- Moustaches
- Listening to other people complain about things that you want to also constantly complain about
- The lack of age gap in University. Oh - in adulthood, rather.
- "Sneaky" snapchats from friends while in classes/tutorials
Alright, that's it for tonight. But this is a good idea - if I remember, I shall add to this very soon x
This might be a long one, since I'm feeling like I live under a blanket of mediocrity lately, and I'd really, right now, like to recognise the wonderfulness in this life
- The mannerisms of musicians
- Surprise notes & written conversations in University library books
- Muscles
- People who laugh at the most inappropriate times in lectures
- Dark nail polish
- Couple costumes that look like they took weeks of preparation (and convincing)
- Sauces. Multitudes of sauces that are equally delicious and spicy
- European pillows
- The buskers in the underground Central tunnel
- My dad's often mundane yet politically infused text messages
- Caramello Koalas: this deserves permanent residency on any kind of these lists, ok.
- Riding shotgun in cars with boys, alone; together
- African-American comedies
- Reading about medicine, in all different forms of journalism
- My sister's $4 pasta a.k.a Barilla fettuccine and dolmio sauce
- Pugs and pug related images
- The happy-cracks in Chris Martin's voice and his dorky dance moves
- Buzzfeed lists that are too relevant you... can't even
- The prep for a date; with all the nice-smelling products and the make-up and the casual-but-yes-i-also-casually-want-you-to-vigorously-make-out-with-me outfit formulation. Plus constant texts from m8s who want to know all the goss
- Market vendors who passionately sell their products
- I Fucking Love Science! posts
- Chatty cabbies
- The extremely vivid smell of dinners cooking in each of the terraces on my street when I walk home in the evening
- Watching people smize, unknowingly
- The drop, in a full club, after a long as fuck week
- Old people who refer to people as things like "beautiful" and "amor" naturally, like they've been saying it their whole lives
- The top 100 IMDB list of Romantic Comedies
- The gorgeously adorable features of young children when they are doing something naughty
- Baz Luhrmann films
- Not needing to save massive plans for the weekend because it could be a weekend right now if you really wanted it to be
- Eavesdropping on absurdly rich peoples conversations and secretly mocking them
- Music Festivals. All. of. the. music. festivals.
- Caramel smells. Natural and artificial.
- Free access loyalty coffee benefits at UNI. yes. oh, double yes.
- The incredible malleability of the human face with make-up
- Sixpence None The Richer
- Newtown Bars. Surry Bars. Lots of bars. Did someone say alcohol?
- My best friend's laugh
- Moustaches
- Listening to other people complain about things that you want to also constantly complain about
- The lack of age gap in University. Oh - in adulthood, rather.
- "Sneaky" snapchats from friends while in classes/tutorials
Alright, that's it for tonight. But this is a good idea - if I remember, I shall add to this very soon x
Saturday, 10 May 2014
Monday, 28 April 2014
And I'll keep falling in love with the world over and over, every single day.
I'd thought I'd given up on writing on here; sick of baring my soul to the unsuspecting (nonexistent) reader - thinking, maybe, maybe I'm okay with keeping it all in my head. But then, days pass, weeks pass, and suddenly my body can't contain it all anymore. I'll sit down/lie down/stand up/go to class/ get on a bus/go for a walk/take a shower and all I'll be doing is thinking. Thinking about nothing, everything, everyone and nothing. I don't know. That was shit and didn't make sense, but the sheer process of putting my fingers against this keyboard and writing unashamedly is slowing my heartbeat and steadying my hands. It's giving me clarity, and if clarity is anything like what John Mayer proclaims it to be - I want some of that.
There are so many things that have changed in the last few months. I feel like one of those caterpillars, but I haven't quite become a butterfly (nor do I ever think I will be) - but I'm just shedding my skin - like larva? I dunno, something rejuvenating like that. Mind my ignorance guys but I feel small as well, so I thought an insect would be a useful metaphor. Haha. It's not a pity-me-guys use of small either, I feel good small - reality small. Small in the sense that I know how inconsequential I am at this moment, but I'm pleased about it. Pleased that things are kinda just the way they are; and the world is cruel and horrible, but also so great in so many ways. And if I let it, it will love me. I'm gonna say it, the world hasn't hated me, and I resent myself so much for hating it all those times in the past (in here, and in my head). It's not the world. It's not fate. It's my perspective, and I'm so glad that as time goes on I have more control of that. It's been peaceful.
It's freeing, actually. It's like a new lease on my misunderstanding of my anger and fear and all the things that came with the people and things in my past. Not that I regret my past either, not by any means. Gosh knows that without it I wouldn't be in this frame of mind at all - or with the people I'm with. I love my life. I love my freedom, and the mistakes that come with that. I love my inherited flaws and the ones I've fabricated as well. Not always, but sometimes I do - because it means I can love yours too. I love being able to study, and having the capacity to think and think and think and never stop.
I love love. SO, so, so, so, so, so much. And I've never apologised for it before, but now I proclaim it. With that comes my infatuation with passion that crosses so many lines of morality I can't even count the incidents now. But at what cost? Conflict, yes. Pain, yes. but - Growth? definitely. Change? of course. Did I need that change? - yes. It took me so long to figure out how necessary change was. I was timid; scared of letting go of what I know and knew and wanted to be, but nothing was needed more for my life, for my outlook of myself and everything I amount to.
So yes, that is my thought. Passion. Change. Clarity.
It feels so much better than whatever game I was playing before.
There are so many things that have changed in the last few months. I feel like one of those caterpillars, but I haven't quite become a butterfly (nor do I ever think I will be) - but I'm just shedding my skin - like larva? I dunno, something rejuvenating like that. Mind my ignorance guys but I feel small as well, so I thought an insect would be a useful metaphor. Haha. It's not a pity-me-guys use of small either, I feel good small - reality small. Small in the sense that I know how inconsequential I am at this moment, but I'm pleased about it. Pleased that things are kinda just the way they are; and the world is cruel and horrible, but also so great in so many ways. And if I let it, it will love me. I'm gonna say it, the world hasn't hated me, and I resent myself so much for hating it all those times in the past (in here, and in my head). It's not the world. It's not fate. It's my perspective, and I'm so glad that as time goes on I have more control of that. It's been peaceful.
It's freeing, actually. It's like a new lease on my misunderstanding of my anger and fear and all the things that came with the people and things in my past. Not that I regret my past either, not by any means. Gosh knows that without it I wouldn't be in this frame of mind at all - or with the people I'm with. I love my life. I love my freedom, and the mistakes that come with that. I love my inherited flaws and the ones I've fabricated as well. Not always, but sometimes I do - because it means I can love yours too. I love being able to study, and having the capacity to think and think and think and never stop.
I love love. SO, so, so, so, so, so much. And I've never apologised for it before, but now I proclaim it. With that comes my infatuation with passion that crosses so many lines of morality I can't even count the incidents now. But at what cost? Conflict, yes. Pain, yes. but - Growth? definitely. Change? of course. Did I need that change? - yes. It took me so long to figure out how necessary change was. I was timid; scared of letting go of what I know and knew and wanted to be, but nothing was needed more for my life, for my outlook of myself and everything I amount to.
So yes, that is my thought. Passion. Change. Clarity.
It feels so much better than whatever game I was playing before.
Tuesday, 4 February 2014
Thursday, 23 January 2014
This feels like a tumblr
But why not share with the world those things that make me happy?
This: perfect euphoria song
-
Courting
"I still love the people I've loved, even if I cross the street to avoid them."
Big week ahead, got lots of things to do/opportunities coming up. I think I'm actually kind of stressed at the moment zz. It's all over on Aus day though, so that's gonna be loooose at courtyard listening to ^above and having a fabulous time with my ex-work buddies. Currently just feeling really insignificant, you know? I feel like a whiny bitch but man it's so hard to just get out of bed sometimes. It's like either too hot or too dreary or just pointless; I don't know. I adore life - but like real love - we're up and down yeah. Shit I gotta stop being so moody, jk I'm on my monthlies i'mma go now okay bye
Tuesday, 21 January 2014
Sunday, 19 January 2014
Resolve
January 1-19/2014
Stationery shopping had briefly convinced me to buy a diary, thinking, "oh how wonderful would it be if I had somewhere to write what's going on in my life on a day-to-day timeline so I can one day look back..." and then I realised I was an idiot as I remembered this blog (and how poor/horrible I am at keeping diaries and things). I doubt that I'll write consistently on this since, well - I'm just generally not a consistent human at anything. I'll try though. So here goes... the first 2.5 weeks of January:
I don't think I can do a recount-type narration since I suck at those and my life is like a blob of nothingness and thought after thought (after meaningless outing), anyway... saying that, let's just stick to the structureless brain-rant that commonly resides at this humble web address. This is one for the frantically first-dating/single people out there - I have recently joined you and I've forgotten how fucking intense it is being single. What the hell, there are single male vultures everywhere. Legit, like I know you can't expect much else going out to a club, but if you don't have a boy at your side and you go out on the weekend be prepared to get into an elbow-to-crotch fight with the nearest handsy seedster. Eugh. Apart from the vultures, however, I was actually on my way to mentioning how fantastic it is to be in this stage and have so many opportunities to meet new people. No, seriously, I'm not just saying this in the vain hopes that one/all of my ex's reads it and is like "well damn, she's happy"; in fact, I'd want them (and anyone) to read it and realise that there's this huge world of fantastic people out there that you have never met, and each of those people has the potential to teach you something about yourself that you never knew. Gag. Yes gagging myself just formulating that sentence, but it's still true.
Also, I wanted to bring to light the topic of age-gap dating. How much is too much? My sister always told me that once you got to your 20's it was like there was no difference between 20 and 29, but I'm still having trouble getting my head around that. I've made a new friend who's 26, and it's this massive mindtrip realising he was my age when I was 10. LOL. Is that not creepy as fk? Either way this nice chemistry (although not long-lasting, i believe) still exists despite that age gap. Hmm. Maybe Jacob Black wasn't ridiculous by imprinting on Renesmee after all? #horribleliteraryreference Let's get past that.... Ok. SO YEAH. Hook-ups and boys - cough, men - and all that jazz. Yeah here I am thinking that maybe our years of 18-22 in this Western society of progress and empowerment are for being absolutely fucking free. Seriously. That is my sudden, albeit late - since it was frequently themed on SATC for the entire show - realisation about my current predicament. I wouldn't call it cynicism, I would say it's more realism.
I will also now post for you all a cliched and disgusting video of Taylor swift voicing my feels. Till next time, lovelies. x
Stationery shopping had briefly convinced me to buy a diary, thinking, "oh how wonderful would it be if I had somewhere to write what's going on in my life on a day-to-day timeline so I can one day look back..." and then I realised I was an idiot as I remembered this blog (and how poor/horrible I am at keeping diaries and things). I doubt that I'll write consistently on this since, well - I'm just generally not a consistent human at anything. I'll try though. So here goes... the first 2.5 weeks of January:
I don't think I can do a recount-type narration since I suck at those and my life is like a blob of nothingness and thought after thought (after meaningless outing), anyway... saying that, let's just stick to the structureless brain-rant that commonly resides at this humble web address. This is one for the frantically first-dating/single people out there - I have recently joined you and I've forgotten how fucking intense it is being single. What the hell, there are single male vultures everywhere. Legit, like I know you can't expect much else going out to a club, but if you don't have a boy at your side and you go out on the weekend be prepared to get into an elbow-to-crotch fight with the nearest handsy seedster. Eugh. Apart from the vultures, however, I was actually on my way to mentioning how fantastic it is to be in this stage and have so many opportunities to meet new people. No, seriously, I'm not just saying this in the vain hopes that one/all of my ex's reads it and is like "well damn, she's happy"; in fact, I'd want them (and anyone) to read it and realise that there's this huge world of fantastic people out there that you have never met, and each of those people has the potential to teach you something about yourself that you never knew. Gag. Yes gagging myself just formulating that sentence, but it's still true.
Also, I wanted to bring to light the topic of age-gap dating. How much is too much? My sister always told me that once you got to your 20's it was like there was no difference between 20 and 29, but I'm still having trouble getting my head around that. I've made a new friend who's 26, and it's this massive mindtrip realising he was my age when I was 10. LOL. Is that not creepy as fk? Either way this nice chemistry (although not long-lasting, i believe) still exists despite that age gap. Hmm. Maybe Jacob Black wasn't ridiculous by imprinting on Renesmee after all? #horribleliteraryreference Let's get past that.... Ok. SO YEAH. Hook-ups and boys - cough, men - and all that jazz. Yeah here I am thinking that maybe our years of 18-22 in this Western society of progress and empowerment are for being absolutely fucking free. Seriously. That is my sudden, albeit late - since it was frequently themed on SATC for the entire show - realisation about my current predicament. I wouldn't call it cynicism, I would say it's more realism.
I will also now post for you all a cliched and disgusting video of Taylor swift voicing my feels. Till next time, lovelies. x
Tuesday, 7 January 2014
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