Sigh

I get so happy and then I remember there's so many things about myself I still need to fix.

My brain being one of them. bah.

Diagnosing my addictions

In life overall:


- the process of falling for people 
- nice biscuits
- achieving 'balance'
- looking at the sky
- hyperbolising  everything
- singing to myself
- 'best' friendships 
- listening to people's problems
- looking in mirrors
- pointless blog posting
- having daydreams about ideal situations
- biting lip
- chasing my pounding heartbeat
- quote hunting
- clothes shopping
- gift buying (akshjHAS where has all my money gone ;__;)
- fistpumping in private (oh gawsh you should see me in the car. I could annihilate those roided dudes in a fistpump comp - dad thinks I have tourettes)
- hairography and slutty dancing (literally break it down at least once a day - still have not shown anyone in the world how low i can go... don't think I ever will. Think of Christina Aguilera and Diiiiiirty)
- writing headings on crisp sheets of paper (finally a productive one that may help with my HSC)
- lying in bed thinking
- tea - french earl grey, iced green, black, classic afternoon - everything
- nutella
- not wearing pants
- making kissy face when I'm happy
- wtf this list isn't addictions it's like... nothing. it's a list of.... nothing.


I honestly dno lol. OH OH OH OH 
Sorry breaking-it down time calls. 


Year 12 sucks. Seems as though I will be missing 2 birthday parties in the next 2 weeks :( I love you guys but drinking and Amelia are not friends for the next few... months? I'm pregnant with the HSC. Plus people judge me LOL and I don't feel comfortable as a minor, despite what you think. Gimme a year, promise I'll be in your backyards boozing in no time. 


I smiled at the computer because I thought of how great I will feel when this is all over.


Life is kinda beautiful isn't it?


I'm not shutting myself out, I warned you guys! So don't worry about me - not avoiding anyone. Just not really... talking to anyone really, my skin is having fun minding its own.


Be back on the 'prowl' soon BIATCH. Till then, have fun GQing without me ;)


xoxo

Once

When I was 8, I snuck out of my room past my bedtime just to watch this video on MTV because I loved this song so much. Ha :) Oh and the one below - DID ANYONE ELSE REALISE HOW DIRTY THE LYRICS ARE? The song is so killed to me now lol

For da gigglez.

Song stolen off Ivy! @sincerelyoursforever - akjhdjHDjkdhad. Hunger Games :) Plus i'm loving the vibe of that song - it sounds kinda new and very awesome for miss Swift. And the mv is gorgeous.

And anyways - a survey because I don't know what else to do and schoolwork is making me want to bang my head against a wall (stolen off ellejai):

What is your current relationship status?

I have this slowly growing infatuation with Ernest Hemingway, and a number of other beautiful specimens ...this is why I'm single.

Who sits next to you in english?

Erm 2u Gina/Yun, 3u Saj/Ashley, 4u Saj/David?

Who was your last text from and when?

Yiwang 45 mins ago

Who last called you?

Ana my bubba :) I had a lovely time literally yelling into the phone in the middle of Penrith because I hadn't talked to her in weeks.

Song you're listening to?

The one I just posted! 

Are you starting to realize anything?

Six more months and my world can grow onethousand times bigger - and I'm going to let it. Happily. 

Do you believe in the saying what comes around goes around?

Found this intense tumblrpic the other day that now lives on my phone so I can laugh at it when I'm having those days when I feel like I'm living in a dirty sock - alone - it says: "The karma of f**cking over a good girl is the b*tch you end up with" I think it was by Nicki Minaj or somethang. Saweet giggle material.

What are you thinking about right now?

Biology prac due tomorrow and how it isn't done

Who was last to see you cry?

Humm Motherbear 

If you were given a paper and a pen, what would be the first thing you'd draw?

A loveheart. Hands down. Or if I really felt like it - a sunflower.

 

How was last night?

You mean the one where I lied in bed watching 2broke girls for 2 hours & then took a long ass shower. Pretty satisfying if you ask me :) 

Do you think someone is thinking about you now?

I used to be all hopeful that there was, but truth is I've never been mysterious enough for people to think about. Like yeah. Right now you know almost everything I'm thinking - what else is there to possibly think about? My hair? What I had for breakfast this morning? - It was blueberries and soy youghurt if you were REALLY wondering. Gah. I need to stop giving so much of myself away. Intrigue is not an easy skill to master okay. And now that I've said this you're going to know that any of my forthcoming intrigue is all fake and that has officially killed the mystery.

What do you look forward to in the next 5 months?

Tragus piercing on April fools, Daddy's 50th, seeing Ana, friends Birthdays

Do you like the colour green?

I never did but it's been my school colour since I was five so we've grown comfortable. I like green like I like getting woken up in the morning. Although emerald green I love. Emerald green I love like kisses on the forehead.

Do you know anyone whos name starts with the letter J?

Yeah.

Are any of your texts in your inbox locked and why?

Do you really think I have anything that interesting? Jokes don't risk it I always delete weird ones; or ones where people tell me secrets. Because my iPhone is such a slut LOL

Do you believe people deserve second chances?

I also saw this upfront tumblr post the other day, that I dunno how I feel about. It read: "So you want to know what kind of girl is my type? I can't really know now, but if you want to know who isn't, look at my ex's - they're called 'ex' for a reason. "

So like. Hmm. I wonder if people look back and think horrible things when they think of me. I kinda freak out a lot imagining they do. But hey I guess we all have histories.  

Forgive but never forget?

Oh wow you got me.

Do you have a best friend?

3 school; 2 out; 1 family.

Do you think more about the past, present, or future?

Past and future like to communicate. Future's scared shatloads by past and is usually the main occupant of my mind. They don't like present so they tend to leave her to whither away and become past... and the cycle...

Are you easy to get along with?

Sure am. I could be affected by things I've heard but I'm choosing not to LOL because I suppose I can.

What is your favorite time of day?

Any time of the day when there is yummy stuff to eat and an empty stomach to accommodate it. 

Do you hate the last girl you had a conversation with?

 OH gosh no.. I don’t hate people (LJ, SAME YOU ARE AWESOME)

Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with?

Nah I disliked him slightly for a bit - just for being so brutally and horribly honest with me. yet like he said after a bajillion years of not talking - he was there for me. I guess without realising he was more important than I thought, but that doesn't mean either of us are going to admit it. Ever. 

What was the highlight of your day?

Stalking Cash Warren's instagram and seeing more Alba pics/ life envy/ she's beautiful. SO ARE HER CHILDREN.

Can you honestly say that things are running smoothly for you?

NO. But with every tough there is a peak. Hoping 7 months from now that'll be where I am. 

Have you ever thought about getting your lip pierced?

Yeah. I still find it so sexy. But I could never bring myself to do it.

What language would you like to master?

Spanish. How seductive would that beeeeeeeeee

What is the first thing you think in the morning?

PEE PEE PEE BEFORE YOU EXPLODE.

Be honest, is there one person you wish you would have never met?

What doesn't kill ya makes ya stronger. 

How many keys are on your key chain?

3.

What are you excited for?

The weekend let's be honest.

Do you care what others think about you?

To an intense degree. If you ever hear me say "idgaf what they think" I most definitely am scrutinizing every possible thought they could be having.

Who is the first person you would call if you needed help?

000/ Daddy.

How far away is the last person you kissed?

Think he lives in Girraween lol

Who was the first person to break your heart?

Guess my heart was broken by being so unloved by my secret crush so yeah, him. His name was four letters long and his hair was floppy, golden and stupid. All the way back in year four.

Do you find the opposite sex confusing?

Nah bro they all want the same thing. Joking - yeah insanely.

Do you get distracted easily?

SUPPOSED TO BE DOING BIO NOW.

Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile?

Sure thang :) 

What are you supposed to be doing right now?

THE BIOLOGY LOL LJ 'THE MATH'

Do you have a friend you can tell stuff to and you're sure they won't tell?

Yes :)

Is there anyone that hates you right now?

Probably.

Is there a person of the opposite sex who means a lot to you?

A few :) However how they feel about me.... LOL sigh Amelia you are so destructive.

Who did you last pinky promise with?

Don't tend to make those anymore. But Adrian 'James' Vincent LOL making your nonexistent middle name happen.

Is there someone you wouldn't mind kissing right now?

Sorry, did you say Alex Pettyfer?(LJ LOL) Or Zayn Malik? Or... 

LOL NOT GONNA WRITE THAT BECAUSE IT'S NOT FUNNY AND HE'S NOT FAMOUS LOL.

Do you believe in perfect?

I don't and I envy the person that appears like they own it.

Are there certain things that can't be joked about with you?

LOL Don't tell me I'm going to cry or get upset as banter.. I will cry. I will likely get upset LOL.

Do you know anyone that smokes pot?

OH yes I do. Yes I do.

Do you believe in karma?

Not in a complete way 

What if you had a baby with the last person you texted?

Bubba Xie's. Fuar the unruly hair and 'fk it I'm so cool' temperament on those babies would be off the chain yo!

Is your hair longer than your shoulders?

Waaaay longer

What if your ex runs up to you and hugs you?

LOL HI DO YOU WANT FOOD?

(applies to all LOL)

Do you wish someone would call you?

People don't call me anymore ):

Status of you and the last person to call you?

supportunitsfriendsfakeboyfriendidon'tknowwhatwewereorarenow bleh.

Did the last person you kissed have a tattoo?

Nah

Is the last person you kissed and the next person you'll kiss the same?

Nah

Has anyone disappointed you recently?

Yes.

Does anyone like you?

Probably n... Damn it.. hello :) Is my answer to this yes or no?

Have you ever fallen for your ex's best friend?

Well now they're ex best-friends so does that count still man?

Have you ever thought that you were going to marry the person you were with?

HAHA. I was fourteen and adorably infatuated please do not read any posts from 2010

Have you ever loved someone so much that it hurt?

Maybe a little. But I am a reckless, I mean amazing lover ;) BUAHAHA

Have you ever made a boyfriend or girlfriend cry?

Nehh. Who hasn't - people get emotionaaaalz!

Are you happier single or in a relationship?

Wondering wondering wondering. Hmm. Bet all of you can answer this one, hey.

DAYUM THAT TOOK LONGER THAN EXPECTED.

Never controlled with this blog though

LAHV IT :)!

Sweetest thing I've read today, a friend: "Stay the princess that you are, and be the beautiful this world needs more of" So this is me passing it on to anyone that needs to hear it too. GB.

Control

Self-control, emotional control, in-control of study.

So Just got home *yawn*

This afternoon started with 3 hours in the Lib with Abbi/Vaish/Steven/Jason and we had a productive UMAT study session lol (surprised). Hmm it was fun, I feel like studying around people I hardly see within school is good. Like the new mix of personalities helps me feel more comfortable getting into working habits. Dunno. Anyways LOL there was this one moment when some REALLY STINKY DUDE came and sat near us... and we were all trying to be polite like super polite until one of us finally cringed - and I couldn't stop laughing. I felt so mean :( But I think he didn't notice so it's all gee.

Ahh and then I had ballet followed by Church. TODAY IS ASH WEDNESDAY! Marking the beginning of my fasting and lent period.

So here is my plan:

- no cupcakes until easter

- attempt to limit swearing to zero, at LEAST make an effort ('til easter or even beyond)

- no beef on Fridays until easter

I think it hit me in the car as I came home from mass... Since I started growing up my values and stuff have gone out of whack. Especially the ones regarding what is most important to me; what makes up who I am. And although I am far from religiously perfect - I do have loads of faith in God. The greatest thing I think I realised today is how much I love God.

In the least embarrassing way possible I kept on secretly craving and missing being able to say 'I love you' to someone and feeling like I mean it. I'm so stupid for never realising before, but I didn't have to wish for someone to say it to. 

I always have God to say it to in my prayers.

The most beautiful part is that I know in my heart that God will always love me back.

Thanks for this song AndrewmonPokemon (: 

p.s. For you who once sniggered and said "watch your God save you now, b****" and to your new 'bffl' too - Patawarin mo ko ngunit ang aking memorya ay medyo matinding. Ako na Filipino, mayroon akong ang katutubong Princess dugo sa katunayan - kaya oo. Ako ay katutubo. Sa Pilipinas. Katutubo royalty bagaman. Kaya tingin ko ipinagmamalaki. Hindi ako taal mo Australia, fools

LOL, babe.

!? THE FUCK BLAIR.

Don't usually go for swag

HALF FILO BOYS  ^ HELLO

JHDKJAHDKHWOIHWIUWHDIOWDHOIWHDOWIHDWOIDHWIODHWOIHDOWIHD

Okay shutup I know being a schoolgirl because it's the last year I can justifiably, just stalk my tumblr crushes and figure it our for yourself

 http://d1lly.tumblr.com/

http://keqiuzar.tumblr.com/

 

the girlfriend of those guys

Holy phuk now that I put their instagrams like that they look like the same person ._.
hahahahahaha I so funnehhhhhhhhhhhhh

So um, yum

 YUMYUMYUMYUMYUMYUMYUMYUMYUM

SICK OF THIS AGAIN. 

READ HISTORY IF YOU MUST

 BUT I WANT THIS TO BE THE TITLE PAGE BECAUSE I'M REALLY SICK OF PRETENDING TO KNOW EXACTLY HOW I FEEL.

It's hard to not think of you in Heaven when I listen to this song now Breedlove.

Sorry for the crazy in my last post.

Anyways I'm tired. Tired in all the conventional ways, but tired in a lot of others too.

Anyways because I was disappointed with myself and many actions of my past... /please don't read that and ASSUME you know what actions I am referring to because you likely don't.../ I decided to do something stupid. But it was so fucking awesomely stupid I can't help but smile when I think about it. 

My dad has like 3 plausible buyers of our old 2000 Subaru Forrester. His asking price is really reasonable for its condition - so most people are willing to pay at or above the price. One buyer is some young leb dude and the other is this inner-city guy working at dad's campus. One buyer however, is this Afghan man who couldn't even afford my dad's minimum asking price. 

At first we were like 'so err why are you even here?' because frankly his presence at the inspection was dumb. yet we couldn't maintain that negativity - because after half an hour with the man we thought he was so sweet. He'd traveled more than an hour to come to our inspection. But overall, he was humble and wasn't even slightly persistent. He just had a look in his eyes that I didn't know how to feel about.

He left when we told him it was highly unlikely we would consider his offer which was $250 short of our minimum. So we watched him leave in his beaten up bomb... And dad just stood at the door and I could sense him feeling like he killed a baby bird. But the man came back 20 minutes later and knocked at the door. 

He apologised profusely for overstepping his means, but asked us to consider one thing:

"$250 is a lot of money for me and my wife. It requires lots of budgeting and saving. I see your lovely family... and this house and I want you to ask yourself what $250 is worth to you" 

And then he paid his thanks and left.

So that's when I went to my room, got my birthday money and shoved it in my dads hands and told him that's what $250 was worth to our family. 

Dad laughed, handing me the money back and saying how stupid it was that I wasn't saving it for myself when he worked so hard to earn it for me... LOL zzz me and my dramatic gestures. 

Yet he said the gesture made him realise that he should practice the values he passed on to his own daughters.

I hope i didn't undermine my dad's hard work to sell our car by making such a rash decision. 

I've gotta say we're selling it more than 1k lower than our highest offer, but fuck. My dad and I feel amazing. I feel like I've done something good for the first time in so long. I wish I had the patience and strength to do good things for people all the time.

If you're sick of my deep posting you do understand you don't have to read my blog, right? lol 

Just making sure before y'all go complaining on my butt. 

Wall of text, tldr i know i know LOL this is me me though. My diary was like an essay book in primary.

1a.m cheeseburger, tea and rambles.

True thought of the day/night whatever: Checking out people you never talk to is so much easier and less complicated when you don't talk to them. 

Also, it's interesting to note to myself - that

# I am not asleep and I should be because it is very late and I realise that I am very sleepy.

# It's really hard to feel pretty. I think I try so hard because I never get it right. That feeling pretty feeling, it just doesn't come naturally to me. I start feeling it a little bit, and then I see a group of people so much moreso I just die a little inside and pretend it doesn't mean a lot. Which it shouldn't. But as I said before - I grew up chubby and scared and I've grown up tall and scared. It doesn't change much.

# I had an amazing love-filled night that made the chubby girl inside me forget she was there anymore. but although I never really talk about it she's there and all you beautiful confident girls scare me.

# I am scared

# I am scared of loving recklessly and being forgotten.

That's it, and I'm crying - but I'm happy.

I'm just

Waiting for Chris Martin to tell me he'll fix me.

There. Better now. Yes off to bed now.

You all inspire me x

P.S. Got to love faking confidence because apparently that's attractive. Okay it probably is. But yeah nts I can work on that LOL, promise. Plus, I've already been working on it for years. Hopefully it's evident (;

P.P.S the scarier thought is that I'll be forgotten (or WE'LL speaking on behalf of anyone that relates to me) for the more obvious faults I own. Like my personality. LOL Things people say to me stick with me forever. I still think that I'm frustrating, and obnoxious and I think it will take many years, many travels and many smelly moments to get rid of that. Hopefully my future husband won't think I'm frustrating and obnoxious. I will try very hard not to be. Which is fucking LOL because the trying is what makes me 'obnoxious' in the first place. But yeah. Sucky personalities suck.

AND SOMEHOW NOW I'M LAUGHING WHAT THE FUCK LOL

THE MIND IS SO GLORIOUS.

I love my name from your voice.

Somehow it sounds so much better. Almost more refined or something. 

I was sitting in extII english today with Yiwang because he stayed back in the afternoon, and we were just talking and talking and talking like we hadn't really talked for a year, which we hadn't, and it was... good. Good is an understatement but my vocabulary is pretty lost right now. And so are my boundaries. Lately it's just been so good to laugh a lot louder and a lot fuller than I have in ages. No particular reason - just the realisation that everyone's too bloody concerned with their own self image to worry about mine. And if they are concerned about ME then that's a reflection of their own issues and negativity - and I shouldn't have to give a fuck.

"Nothing will make us happy except our decision to be so"

I sat there reading a book titled 'Things I wish I told my eighteen year-old self' that I casually picked up from the psychology section. And I finished the whole thing, and it made me smile on at least every second page. Mrs Mayers thought I was some looney just sitting there giggling to myself. Apparently according to that book my reckless loving is... okay. Sought after even. It made me feel so much more comfortable with everything. My mistakes are my own. I almost had this moment mid-conversation with bangchang where I wanted to PROCLAIM that I was feeling okay with being me.

Which is ridiculous. Because who isn't okay with being themselves? ...Now that you think about it - you realise you aren't either a lot, or at least sometimes right? SEE that's what I've come to really appreciate lately - I'm really not individual at all in the sense that everyone our age is really just trying on different skins all the time. But what I further came to understand is that I'm way too stubborn to shed my skin, yet I'm not HAPPY with it. It's a paradox and a fucking half; a horrible one at that. But at least I get that now... so instead of scraping away shit in order to make me 'new' - I'm going to keep it and maybe one day I'll learn to appreciate myself in my original form.

One of my favourite observations of the week, however, is the true confirmation that our most vivid memories are carried by smell. Fuark I could sit around and smell certain smells all day. Some of them are colognes and others are simply fumes out of a microwave. The one thing I always try to avoid is KNOWING what smell I crave. Because that unexpected moment it wafts over to you through the air is delicious. Especially when you can't really sense where it's coming from. It's just there. It's just present.

Visions of that memory come back and it's satisfying to feel that it wasn't fabricated by force. 

It was by chance. 

Just like the way the moment occurred in the first place.

I promise I won't have a night like this again

14/02/12 (early hours): I guess I'm the kind of girl who hates to be patronised. Also, I can't fathom change as well as everyone else can. Especially when it involves people turning on each other. Fast. Like - how can someone just forget everything so quickly? How do lots of people do that? How do people hate one person one year and love them the next? Because the way I SEE IT... WE SHOULD HATE NO ONE UNTIL THEY DO SOMETHING HORRIBLE TO US. You can't hate someone who hasn't DONE ANYTHING TO YOU. HOW? WHY WOULD YOU? And I believe in finding connections in new places, but does that really mean abandoning the old? Sometimes I know it's necessary - but others I simply don't understand. I don't understand how I could do that to anyone I care for. Some of them have just been through way too much for me to hurt them like that. But it's evident isn't it? How many of you are still best friends with people you know from primary school? I am still - I have my Channybear and I hold her dearly in my heart. Even through moving schools and our disjointed communication. I have miss Wotherspoon who's seen me at my worse and seen my at my fucking best. I have a ruse friend who I feel eternally attached to because we've simply been through SO MUCH TOGETHER I couldn't bear losing those moments to fading away. He's got my loyalty in the palm of his hand because I just... well. I just love people like that. I didn't even talk to him for like 5 months but he still has it, and I think our knowledge of having each other in the long run is an amazing thing. I don't know what to think about this attribute. I think the only person it's detrimental to is myself. Or maybe it won't be. Maybe I'll be thanking it one day when we eventually do synchronize our kids LoOza. Haha. So here's my promise to loving so recklessly for the rest of my life - because that's who I am. When I tell someone I hope to know them forever - I mean it. Think about it. If you disagree, I probably have never said it to you.

Because I can't get the Glen Coco voice out of my head or the smile off my face

what did I say before about my lack of self control? LOL 

 

Because I'm not afraid

of people feeling the same things I feel when I listen to and see stuff like this.

hopefully it's good x

Motives

I realised today that this blog is very self-concerned and I find that great haha. I want to document these teenage revelations as they happen - to kinda track how much I'm really changing (or staying the same). SO I've decided to write mini segments on here of things I notice about myself whenever they come up. Like, a disjointed synopsis. Or something like that. 

13/02/12: I don't tend to say what I think. If you say something I will likely nod or laugh because I want to avoid the awkwadrness of explaining my views. I tend to ever be only affected by issues that directly involve me or people I genuinely love. I catch myself smiling/getting pleasure out of the weirdest things - like people watching. Especially people who bumble around in worlds so remote from mine. For example last night at dinner, my waiter was this gawky, stout and fidgety dude that just looked so determined to do his job right I wanted to go right up to him and talk to him. Ask him where he came from; what his family was like. You know? I want to talk to strangers a lot - but specific ones. More often than not (but not ALWAYS, people are hated for justifiable reasons), I want to talk to people no one else really sees the point in talking to. But that desire has been muffled for a really long time because it's just not... normal. I don't carry bitterness for very long - but I carry intimidation forever. I guess I do things a lot in an attempt to impress the people around me. I suppose I keep thinking that if I impress enough people I will eventually  impress myself. So I tend to veer away from people I know are impossible for me to impress. Which is a lot of you lately. But I'm cool with that - I wouldn't be impressed either. 

Ah shucks I feel like I did keyhole surgery into my brain writing that. It was an effort and a half to try to word it in a way I thought was true. But it's there now and I understand myself a little more. Haha professionals do really have good advice.

Because it's the dreaded v-day and I'm a sappity sap sap *gag* cheese-lover (LOLJKS I'M LACTOSE INTOLERANT) I'm going to write love letters. To two special people. And no I don't swing the other way; but in the words of Beyonce, if I were a boy...

B - I would love you because of the way you are so collected all the time. I'd find your little anxieties so sweet, and the fact that you never let anyone in on them except me even sweeter. The way you contain your sneezes into little princess noises makes me laugh, and I adore the way you are quiet and always listening even when you don't seem so. You're the kinda person whose handwriting is consistent; whose hair is generally the way you expect it to be - and I'd love that. Because when you surprise me it's the most wonderful thing. They're actual surprises not the cheap kind. 

A - I would love you because you make me laugh in the most unique way out of anyone I know. I'd be in awe of all your talents, and I'd know that you were special because you truly care about me. You have this aura that just makes people happy, and in truth, your unconditional support is one of the rarest human attributes I have ever encountered in genuine form. And because of that, you are beautiful. You are lovely. Plus, your hips are tantalizing. Seriously girl you can move.

LOL SOZ HAD TO LIVEN UP THAT SOMEHOW

I'm a good bestfriend, no? JKS. Bet you're supa embarrassed and you hate me. Oh well you guys are too special for me to resist. 

Have a good day! Love, Mchappy Mielz (remember that LOL weirdest 13 year old ever)

Just because I found it and am still warm&fuzzies looking at it: http://mielzcakes.blogspot.com.au/2010/08/day4-your-favourite-photograph-of-your.html