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Dearest blog, 

This is the happiest I've ever felt being home on a Saturday night. I'm actually extremely homesick, I thought I'd grown out of this kind of thing, but I guess a weakness for being a sappy little shit stays with you forever. It's only been a month since I moved out - and despite its perks; close to 100% freedom, a new beautiful modern bed, being able to wake up pretty much whenever I feel like it, having anyone sleepover whenever... visiting Luke at work whenever I want to...

But there's sad stuff too: leaving the place you grew up for 14 years, missing out on home-cooked meals, leaving your childhood pet at home, all the shops and people you used to know around town, all the local foods you never get to eat anymore...

It's just the memories I guess. My old bed's dismantled atm, and despite the suggestive connotations of the sentiment; the fact that one bed has seen me go through so much - the tears, those quiet nights in, the sleepovers, the skype convos, the outfit deciding, the dancing around like Taylor Swift (and failing), the nail-painting, hair-straghtening, night-before-exam memorising that one bed has seen - I can't believe how much things are changing.

I miss my room. I miss the house. I miss my mum and my dad. I miss not having to expect a hangover every time people wanna do something "fun". I miss sneaking around (a little bit). I miss lying next to mum and just letting her know when I'm feeling overwhelmed. I miss the lake down the road. I miss my Grandma visiting every weekend. I miss the local church I was confirmed in. I miss a lot of things.

I guess moving on is something everyone does, why does my silly brain make it feel so hard?

Regularity

Dear Electronic diary that I never use and henceforth promise to use consistently,  

Seriously can't do anymore study. That's it - whether I'm fcked tomorrow or not - I can't do it anymore. I'm so bored already ffs. Okay that was a sufficient rant. Time to be less of a a pissypants

I got a tattoo finally! hahaha. And now i'm going into the supremely cheesy details of the tattoo so I can remember it for all ever (which I will inevitably have to - because it's a tattoo zzzz.. ok). So remember when I said I started uni and I met all of these amazing people? I never really went into detail of who they were; where they come from or what they mean to me. I guess when it comes down to it, I didn't know exactly who these people would be to me. There's tash, who is all-consuming and this open, affectionate freak who seems to have more in common with who I essentially want to be than with who I am. But I love that, she inspires me. There's glamz who is outspoken and cheeky and completely loyal to her loved ones. She reminds me who I am, or who I ought to be. There's rose, who's somehow neurotic and spontaneous at the same time and just adorably absent-minded. She reminds me to just be who I am.

In the past 6 months I have told them everything that has ever happened to me - and vice versa
And in that process, we laughed, and we sighed simultaneously, we bitched - about the boys who left; and the boys who should have left earlier, we cried, we deperately pleaded, we sang, we held hands, we just... relied on each other. To be there; just being around. That's all we needed. 
So we all got the tattoo. For loving freely; for being independent; for not holding back

For flying.
Because in some way or another we'd all felt held down before - but now's the time for letting that go

Chase the dream, not the competition

So far this year has been pretty freaking amazing, it's refreshing having only 2 main worries in my right now: university studies and money. Haha. So yeah, that sucks too - but it's not as bad as my old mile-long list of apprehensions or how I used to feel. I used to have to worry about people a lot more - you know, social politics and stuff like that. But I don't now - really. I don't at all. If someone upsets me, I tell them; if I'm feeling like I'm being used, I figure that out and I don't put up with it anymore. Well, at least I think I'm better at that now.

So if you're with me now, in this splendid orbital of faces that make my life what it is now - better believe I love you a lot.

 

For my queen, and my princess

There you are - right in front of me - a brand new da-a-a-ay
So many feels right now so I can't sleep. Most of them are good, I swear. It's weird though 'cause like I don't know how my body is reacting to these good feels - it's kinda like convulsing between laughing and crying as I'm lying here staring at the ceiling. Like I haven't felt this overwhelmed in a while. It might've come with recent events, I think it onset at the moment of hearing something recently and it changed my outlook on everything, like - even myself. This revelation changed my outlook of myself.
You changed my outlook of myself. I don't know how, but it truthfully had a huge impact on me. Fuck, the smile-tears are coming again. I don't know what I ever did, ever, to deserve this greatness in my life.

It's happening - I've found something I care more about preserving than my dignity.

It's a beautiful thing, you know, when infatuation transforms into something uncontrollable
That's what this is. Up 'till this point I honestly believed I could control what I felt about this; about you. But after today - I don't think I can.
I can't control shit no more. It's frightening.
But good. Very good.
x