I've got to tell you what a state I'm in

It's been six years since I started writing on this page - yet weirdly, I feel exactly the same as when I started. It's like the way your parents respond to you, when you ask "what's it like being a grown up?" - the slightly nostalgic, bemused laugh your mum does what she says "you never really grow up, darling. Trust me, you never do." That's what's ringing in my mind right now.

I do a lot of things that make me feel invincible. I am in control most of the time, I think. I have control over my thoughts and actions - to some extent. I eat what I want. I say what I want. I dance the way I want to. Yet, the most frustrating thing I think I'm realising again today (for the billionth time) is that my no means at all do I have control over the way I feel. I've been listening to solemn acoustic songs for the last maybe four hours now and I can definitely confirm this fact as true.

Mum was right. You don't grow up; your heart doesn't at least. It leaps and bounds like a madman - just like when you were a kid jumping two monkey-bars at a time, fearless of the fall. But when you're a kid, it's likely you fell from the monkey bars at least once. Did that stop you though? I know it didn't stop me. I wanted to fly - and boy, did I fly for some time.

So, when my heart leapt from that last monkey bar and fell last time... I was surprised at how much pain I was in. My unrelenting fearlessness suddenly dissipated. I thought - nup, that's it. I'm not getting back on those fucking monkey bars unless someone carries me up there. For a while I sat, patiently, fascinated by my wound healing; watching the other kids have their fun. I thought - hey, I'm safe here. No one can touch me. 

I'm invincible because I can't fall from down here. 

But then that moment happens. Every single time you think you're happily safe, this indescribable moment happens. Someone comes along and dares you to play; they convince you to climb the ladder back up to that first rung. 

It's scary as hell but you do it anyway. 

You do it because you all of a sudden can't control the feeling of wanting to.

Then you find yourself standing there, arms reaching out, eyes closed, hoping this time that they don't let you fall.