Tick, tick, tick

Hey, I’m back. I’m back because I’m feeling really contented – and it’s truly dawned on me why. I’ve figured out some teeny part to the algorithm of my own joy, and I want to immortalise the epiphany by describing it here. Right now, I’m lying in my childhood home waiting for my dad to finish whipping up my absolute fav home-cooked meal; procrastinating finishing off my second-last assignment for my first degree. Not a bad situation at all. Dad is cooking up a storm because he’s super proud. Tomorrow I get to go on a hospital tour with my dream University for my dream course in my hometown. In the hospital where I would sometimes visit my grandma, sit and watch doctors, whispering, “I want to be them one day, Lola”.

WHOA. What the fuck. I’m 20 years old and I can honestly say  (it still baffles me): I am on the brink of living out my childhood dreams. Hell, I could almost say I already have started. Why? I’m about to let you know.

My dreams aren’t world-changing, or anything. They could be bigger, I’m sure of it – but I’ve always been a relatively simple girl. I wanted my adulthood to consist of 3 main things: stability, fulfilment, and passion. I consistently lust after grand adventures and idealistic impossibilities; but I know deep down I’m satisfied with the little things.

It would be absofuckinglutely phenomenal to travel the world. I would work my ass off for the chance to work for MSF. I want all of these things – but I’m at the stage of my life where I don’t need them. I am terribly, sincerely happy. I feel like my brain is finally tired of needing more, more, more. All I want is to work hard and love what I do. And I’m at this gloriously – almost worryingly surreal – stage of believing that little goal is in my grasp. It’s totally within reach. I can feel it.

The main part of my epiphany was this: I realised that time could fix and heal anything. I realised time could make amends; it had the potential to create so many unbelievably great things. It gave me space to re-evaluate my dreams. It gave me space to re-evaluate my heart. And in that space, I have learnt so frieking much.

The last 3 years – my “accidental” swerve off my medical-end-goal path have been indispensable. I’ve learnt more than I could have ever imagined was possible for me (because honestly, I’m pretty one track minded – and I’m not proud of it). I’m not saying I’m some kind of expert; or that I even have any qualified knowledge of life at all – but one thing I’ve become an expert in is myself. I’m so glad I got time to get to know myself.

Time. It’s such an interestingly complicated, talk-yourself-into-philosophical-circles kind of concept. I love it. I love where it’s now taking me. I love time because it’s so malleable; so meaningful – so independent, yet still somehow so conveniently under our control. It’s a paradoxical thing, and I don’t really understand it – but I appreciate it. I appreciate that time is really all we have. Life is time; work is time; love is time.

Time is the most valuable thing I have. It’s time spent with people that make you grin from ear to ear like your heart is on fire with ecstasy. Time feeling loved like no one in the world has ever been loved. Time to rebuild hopeless romanticism, idealism and solidity within a somewhat weakened soul.

Time to feel extremely excited for what’s in store next.

I’m contented because I have had this epiphany – this epiphany of how my life is going to be great. It’s how I’m going to manage my fears and anxieties – and although it won’t ever be a perfect journey, I know that I’ve always got something on my side.

            You and I, we’ve got time.

           

P.S. I can’t wait to spend the rest of mine with you, M.