Weird day, so I'm going to write. Weird everything, really. I'm not sure what I'm doing with anything I've got on my plate right now. It's one of those days where I've been basically zoned out every minute, kinda just making my way around because that's what humans are meant to do. I've always been so determined to force my life into this weirdly-ambiguous direction of completeness, if that makes sense. Like, I've always wanted to be one of those women who's got it all together (even though I never really believed it was achievable). I guess what I was truly aiming for was for people to at least assume I had it figured out, and that's where all my problems start.
For a while I didn't think I needed to talk about this stuff; I thought - hey - what if I just go with the flow and see how things turn out? Kind of like one of those choose-your-ending books, but viewing my life in a way so that each little fork in the road was more like a game of chance rather than some predetermined extravaganza of life-changing events. The premise felt inspirationally spontaneous; maybe through it I would transform into someone who might be able to ditch the habit of anxiously over-thinking everything. So, I did it for a while. I essentially closed my eyes, felt my heartbeat flick in a certain direction, and just went for it. I did things blindly, and probably stupidly, according to most people. I thought it might be some kind of antidote to my head spinning all the time. Like maybe 'chance' was this all-fixing mechanism that would make me less scared of things.
I'm still fucking scared. I'm sitting in the library now kind of squinting at this computer screen through a thin film of confused tears. I'm not exactly crying, either. Well actually, I'm not at all. I'm just confused. I want to figure out what my heart wants from my brain, and vice versa. They're shit communicators, those two. How the fuck to I get them to work together?
You know that super cliched saying "we accept the love we think we deserve"? I can't handle that. It seems true, in so many ways, and for so many people. I mean, I suppose it's true for friendship in many ways. But I just can't think that it is accurate for relationships, because every time I do - I start to realise how warped my perception of everything really is. That can't be right, can it? I can't want to be this confused on purpose? I can't honestly be only allowing people who make me question my own worth into my life? That's fucked up... I'm not that fucked up. Then why can't I stop? Is there anyone out there that won't make me question my adequacy? They have to exist, right?
FFS, please exist.
I'm flailing here.
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