Thus, I'm gonna start on an inane set of rambles about young adulthood that might eventually - hopefully - lead us to something insightful. Okay? Ok.
Hmm. Euuuuugggghhhhhh. why can't I ramble when I want to?! Maybe I'll do a reflection post. Ooooh, maybe one on how things have changed lately? That might be good, I have an idea, I'll play scrolling roulette with my albums on this computer and find a pic and do a kind of reflection on how I've been since then. Also a reason to most likely post a selfie :P
*scrolling* November, last year:
Hmm, so I actually put this post on hold for a bit, because I wasn't sure what to write on they day I began it - I came back though, even though I don't have some definite course of action tonight, I'm in a super reflective headspace and it would be nice to let some of this ridiculously suffocating energy out onto the interwebs...
I just came across this stupid '0mGtumblrRepo$t' things on facebook, and it read: "If your girlfriend isn't a psycho, then she isn't in love with you." You know what, as stupid as this sounds - that is honestly true. This time last year ^ I was so caught up in comfort, you know? Acting "all together", feeling "all together" = having everything together. I wasn't deranged, or crawling into cupboards; I wasn't even staying up all night talking on the phone. But, that so-called 'completeness'... It wasn't the way it was supposed to feel. I wasn't even blogging on here; I should have figured. And when I was, I was yelling to the world about gratefulness and having everything I need. And while I am still a firm believer in all those things; at this point in time they do not constitute my entirety like they did back then. I'm not saying I did not love last year, I loved a shit load. I just wasn't loving in that particular way I love to love.
I feel like I've become oddly spiritual in the last 6-8 months. Not in a youth-group, sing-songs-about-the-heavens kind of way, more like in a gravitating way. That sounds obscenely douchey, but I didn't know how else to quite describe it. I do pray, sometimes. But often I question what I'm praying to. But for some reason that uncertainty's given me more drive; more hope. I have also learnt a lot more about being independent. For a while, I was calling it "being lonely" - but I feel like I've officially graduated from that term. It's not easy - I'm not going to fucking lie to you. Sometimes I'll just sit in my room with a jar of nutella watching wedding same-day edits just to get my oxytocin/affection fix. Sometimes I'll fall into the arms of men that look at me for just that one second longer than any other man in the room. I'm human. We long for things out of our control.
But I'm less focused on that now. I love life, but not more than it deserves. I don't fake-love it now. I want to be a part of this life, flaws and all. No matter how it ends, and despite any mysterious obstacle that lies in wait for me tomorrow.
