Please stop me from becoming an ungrateful individual.

Okay, hello blog-audience, here's a confession. I resented a lot of you for the last few weeks. I did a lot of rolling around in bed and retching and crying and sighing... I was PRETENDING I was cool with this "bigger plan" the external powers had for me (you know, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger mentality) - but in reality this all still stabs at me inside. 

I guess Criddal helped me realise that my joy for you guys is genuine. I'm confessing to these apparent feelings of resentment now because I felt guilty for being hurt & angry, but the truth is that it wasn't resentment I felt - it was simply disappointment within myself that I now have to deal with. It was disappointment that I could try so hard and still get nowhere, you know? Hopelessness. I guess that's what you feel after this kind of thing happens to you.

But then I look back on it - and I guess I subconsciously may have made this outcome inevitable. I have always been so wrapped up in being happy. If you read this blog often I'm sure you would know that haha. But the strangest thing about all of this is that despite this little trough for the last few weeks, I realised that for MOST of 2012 I was happy. The happiest I'd been in years, and that's pretty fucking awesome.

So here's my reminder to everyone out there who's feeling lost, or disappointed (or even hopeless). All of your small achievements during the year - whether it was a small rank improvement, a better speech result, a moment of absolute of self control or some strange split-second attainment of holistic completeness, whatever - didn't these small things not make you happy? Even for a day, no even a MINUTE during this crazy year? Your soul was growing during this year whether you realise it or not. You may not appreciate that now, but one peaceful day when you're older you'll appreciate it. Trust me on this, I've talked to a lot of people who didn't do things the easy way.

I might not be perfect, or have anything of extreme significance to be proud of right at this very moment. But it's safe to say that I'm contented, and I'm glad that my journey isn't over. Because I'm starting to finally understand how fun and unexpected time spent on this path to my eventual 'life' can be. 

Oh wait, that's right. We're not just  on this path till some sort of "culmination of effort" or "beginning of life. The path IS your life. Don't ever get too caught up in long-term ambition to remember that. 




btw I have no intention of recounting my post HSC life because it's already all over instagram: mielzbaby 

Besides all i do is chill with family, the girls and most often Luke. LOL